


Saudade

by RosalineLevesque



Series: Of Gon x and x Killua [7]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Basucally Gon and Killua the night before separating, Canon Compliant, Chairman Election Arc (Hunter X Hunter), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Heartbeats, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Chimera Ant Arc, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Romantic Friendship, Separations, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 01:26:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20480672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosalineLevesque/pseuds/RosalineLevesque
Summary: Suddenly, Gon's left hand sneaked away from his back and slowly landed on his other cheek, a feather tingle on a tranquil water. Killua remarked idly how unusual his friend's handling had been, more careful tracing than excited dragging. He would have wondered why the atypical shift in behaviour, had the bitterness not enveloped his moves and frame like a heavy cloak.When Gon mumbled something he didn't quite catch, Killua rested his chin on the other's chest to be at eye-level with him. "What is it?" He whispered."I..." Gon bit his down lip. Hard. The fingers on Killua's cheeks halted their motions. He drew in a deep breath. Killua held his own. "I don't want you to go."Oh...





	Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> Saudade - is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places, or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings together: sadness for missing and happiness for experiencing the past.
> 
> Link to my tumblr:  
https://roselevesque.tumblr.com/

Killua's lids were drifting, sleep dancing temptly on the edge of his lashes. His mind set one foot firmly on the threshold to dreamland and the other on the constant rhythm galloping under his ear. He stubbornly latched onto the latter.

_Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump._

Killua let out a quiet sigh and glanced at the clock on the far wall to the left. 23:45, it showed. He squinted, perhaps tiredness was rendering his vision to hazy displeasures. No such luck. The arms of the mechanism didn't change beyond moving up to 23:46. He clenched the soft material in his hand, cursed silently.

Hadn't it been 23:30 only a minute ago? Killua could have sworn it had. The hours were rushing by too fast for his comfort. Soon, they'd leave him to bite the dust and would bring Gon along for the ride.

The stars were glimmering brightly on the dark blue horizon, their shine adding a dim touch to the hotel room. He gazed up right, out of the window, where a vivid mental image surfaced; the harsh, morning rays looming in the distance above and breaking into the fragile fort they shared to prepare their check out from it. Reality was waiting outside whether Killua considered himself ready or not.

There was no point in bothering to inform the person below of his actions before adjusting his position - similarly to all the other numerous time he had done it that night - there was virtually no reason to when both were anchors dedicating themselves to an unspoken agreement. It was their duty to stabilise each other against the waves threatening to crush their structures down. Friends lended kind shoulders at pleas of distress and good friends leaned on that shoulder comfortingly with no further addition needed. They were best friends.

Sometimes, he found himself contemplating baffled that life seemed as though it had been like this for longer than he'd known Gon. Two years had climbed onto the stage of what day to day life meant, redefining it, completely. The ten that preceded them had faded into afterthoughts, demolished into ugly memories. Killua put it down as his innate ability attract the undivided attention of those around him that could succeed in such a feat.

And that was why If he jumped over the board now, with not enough supplies on him, Killua just knew departure from the port would be impossible later on. 

Gon squeezed him gently, soothingly, wonderfully warmly - He pushed himself into his chest to hide a pained smile.

Neither was fully set for embarking.

Killua squirmed his feet under the blanket, action only ceasing upon him being granted what he sought, a light giggle. Gon giggled and giggled and his heartbeat looped in a way that sent flutters to Killua's own.

_Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump_.

Gon's hands had always been a bit of a curiosity to him. In spite of living on a island; which offered no better main hobby for someone as active as his friend than to explore the enormous wilderness in his backyard; and despite the fighting the two of them had managed to pull through, somehow, they weren't calloused like he expected. The skin was harsh, particularly around the knuckles, but there was a form of delicacy hiding underneath the surface; A unique brand, specific to Gon alone.

When he pointed animatedly at whatever strange breakthrough he had just encountered. When he clapped in awe at Killua's stunts, the sound resonating deep within the other's bones. When he snatched Killua's hand within his own and lit up a string of complaints on his best friend's lips and a firestorm of fondness from the top of his dazed head to the jelly toes. One word was all it took to sum it up neatly.

Euphoric.

Gon's touch was euphoric, in a way nothing else could ever hope to be.

Time was finite and the one in which he could experience that sensation at demand was ticking by on the clock. Tick-Tack. He groaned inwardly. It was already midnight. 

_Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump._

Relishing the roaring beat filling his senses, Killua nuzzled into the palm on his cheek. He stored in his mind every patch of rough skin and every scratch of fingers on his scalp. Staying awake to engrave these into his memory was hardly a bother. Struggle? Yes. Bother? Never.

Suddenly, Gon's left hand sneaked away from his back and slowly landed on his other cheek, a feather tingle on a tranquil water. Killua remarked idly how unusual his friend's handling had been, more careful tracing than excited dragging. He would have wondered why the atypical shift in behaviour, had the bitterness not enveloped his moves and frame like a heavy cloak.

When Gon mumbled something he didn't quite catch, Killua rested his chin on the other's chest to be at eye-level with him. "What is it?" He whispered. 

"I..." Gon bit his down lip. Hard. The fingers on Killua's cheeks halted their motions. He drew in a deep breath. Killua held his own. "I don't want you to go."

Oh...

That was far from unexpected, but it twisted Killua's heart in surprise just the same. He supposed a small part of him would forever keep on underestimating the value Gon placed upon him. It was a habit, a bad one, but a habit nonetheless. And nothing died harder than those.

His right arm advanced forward to wipe tears from a pair of tawny eyes. He found himself thankful for the strong winds that blew past the window sill. His wet snort was masked perfectly by their wheeze. "Don't be a wuss, you'll be fine. Climbing an oversized tree, big freaking deal. A job you'll get done in less than a day, I'm sure. And if Ging ends up being a less than adequate conversational partner, well...Simply punch him in the face and tell him Leorio Paladiknight isn't the only person who'd like to have a 'word' with him."

"That's not the problem." Gon shook his head softly, not a hint of laughter on his features. With one quick move, he had brushed off Killua's efforts to alleviate the building tension and he needed a second to regain his step.

He withdrew his arm and smirked good-naturally. "Oh? Then afraid to engage in some one on one action up there? I personally wouldn't mind sweeping in and playing the knight in shining armour, but this is something you have to do by yourself."

"That's not it either."

Killua's eyebrows furrowed at the monotone. "Then what?"

"I..."

"I?"

Gon was clearly failing at conveying his thoughts. His mouth opened, closed, opened once more, releasing the occasional incomprehensible noise out into the world. Killua alternated between being concerned by the out of character stammering and amused by the flattering imitation of a fish out of water.

He chose instead to study the clock. It appeared bigger under the shadows' embrace, giving it a commanding aura over the residents of its time frame ( or perhaps just him ). Made of dark-brown wood, spooking the hell out of the little patience he had with its eerie design, the thing was continuously haunting his thoughts.

00:08

And was constantly on his nerves.

Jolting himself from his brooding haste, he cut the silence abruptly. "Gon, spit it out alre-"

"I-" Gon started loudly, the shout about to get Killua to yelp in surprise, before both seeming to remember someone else was asleep in that room and regaining control over themselves. "We are separating tomorrow and I don't know if I'll ever- If I- When I will see you again!"

That threw him completely out of the loop. "Explain." He urged in a hushed voice. Better not to wake up Alluka.

"After my talk with Ging is over, I'm going back to Whale Island, back to aunt Mito, back to homework, because I promised." Gon reiterated with too tired and tight of an air, even for someone whose internal system lacked the sleep. His return to Whale Island, he'd been very keen on underlying that for a few days up now. The motive behind it Killua couldn't follow. "You, on the other hand, are leaving with Alluka who knows where. You'll jump from country to country on monthly or maybe weekly basis. I'm kind of jealous of it, I'm sure the two of you will see and discover some amazing sights and p-people." 

Killua's eyes narrowed. Gon had wavered there.

"However, I'm happy for you. You deserve it more than anyone and no way this is what I'm upset about. It's-" He halted the speech. Tanned fingers trailed the shape of pale cheekbones. It didn't last longer than a few seconds, they slipped off without warning. Killua may have had a blanket covering him, but the cold felt acute right then.

"Our lives couldn't be more different and cut off from each other beginning this coming morning."

"Your problem being?"

"What if we can't keep in touch?"

His stomach churned. Stare blanked. Hot white rage coursed through his veins. "Out of curiosity, do you hear yourself speaking?" It was more of a rhetoric question with an obvious, definitive answer. Yes, Gon had heard himself speaking. Yes, Gon couldn't properly distinguish gibberish. Hence why Killua didn't wait for a retort. "You idiot, of course we'll keep in touch. Haven't I promised that I'll visit you on Whale Island as soon as I can?"

He received the reluctant acknowledgement of a bobbing head as a reply. "You did."

"Does it mean you are calling me a liar?"

"No, but, what if something interferes? Maybe you'll need to get somewhere urgently and Whale Island won't be on your radar. Maybe you and Alluka are invited somewhere right when you find the time to visit and it's a 'can't-be-missed opportunity' "-

"As if I wouldn't skip over it to visit you."

There was a doubtful lingering in his gaze, one that Killua instinctively itched to scratch off. "Maybe your family will try to catch you two again and you have to run. There's no choice in that case..." Each word dropped lower and lower than the prior 'till the last died less than a mumble in the chilly night breeze entering through the window.

A frown crawled onto his face. Gon did have a point, for once. "I can call-"

"What if you are too busy for that?"

"I'll write you-"

"The message gets lost on the way."

"For fuck-" He rapidly whipped his head around towards Alluka, didn't finish his sentence until deciding they were safe. "Ugh, regardless I'll find some way to talk to you. No matter what."

Gon broke eye contact, focusing on his fidgeting thumbs. The left was pushing the right and then the right was circling the left in an obvious display of nervousness for his one spectator. That same sad-tinted doubt from earlier had expanded beyond his downcast looks. "And what if..."

Killua could do nothing but hum encouragingly. Helpless spots had became familiar, too familiar lately and being stuck in one soured his mood indescribably.

"What if...you don't want to speak to me?"

Still not as much as that singular question.

He scoffed with an annoyance greater than a star bursting into flames. "No offence, but every time you've tried to make a point, it made less sense than the previous one. Where did you get this idea from?" 

The inquiry was genuine, although, again, the answer was definitive and obvious.

Gon's unpredictable predictable nature and Killua were part of this love-hate relationship, which in that instance served as ground for tightening his grip on the shirt in his hand as the knuckles bleached into a white purer than a pearl's.

His best friend remained none the wiser of the turmoil he had caused and if he was aware, then simply pretended he didn't notice. Killua was way too tired to decide which was more likely.

"I mean, I hurt you. I hurt you so much that I wouldn't be surprised if you were tired of speaking to me. I'm-"

He held up a hand. "I'm gonna stop you right there." 

The loathing etched within Gon was painful, heart-wrenching, because he might not have been perfect; that was a lesson Killua had learnt the hard way, suffocate-from-the-hurt way; but no amount of mistakes could outweigh the shine of his soul and the fact that its core was a beautiful molten gold tangled with jet black. 

"Gon, I'm not going to lie." To him he was incapable. "What you did during the whole ants fiasco hurt me, yes. A lot more than I could have imagined." A lot more than any enemy and any Zoldyck could have ever dreamt to achieve. "Despite this -hey don't shy away and listen - you've been apologising for it ever since you woke up. On and on. To the point that now it annoys me. I've said it so many times I can't count them all any longer: I forgive you." 

Feeling electric shocks dance across his skin would have been easier to stand than remembering what look condescendingly over their cosy, little world reduced to one bed in a hotel room. Gon's eyes twinkled in sun-bright hope behind the shadows and Killua pondered how he would manage not to flash back to that sight daily once morning had snatched them both from there. 

"Aaaand you don't get to decide if I'm sincere or not. That's up to me. However, you do know me. So look up and tell me I'm lying."

Gon did and he saw. Of course he did. "I'm sorry..."

Killua's lips quirked upwards in genuine happiness, a first for that night, after which he proceeded to press a finger against them. "Shh! As long as you don't apologise for _that_, I'll let it slide. And backtracking to the original topic, Leorio and Kurapika aren't people you see daily or even communicate with daily, are they? Heck we haven't seen the latter in...quite the while." He kicked himself mentally. It was not the time for his mind to babysit Kurapika "Tell me, not seeing them 24/7 doesn't diminish their status as friends to you, does it?"

The bait was immediately taken. "Of course not!" Whisper-yelled Gon.

"Then think about it and explain why in my case it is a problem-"

He boldly interrupted as if he was bringing the important answer to the riddle of the universe. "Killua, you are different." 

"Different...?"

"Yeah, different." Gon said, a note of pleasantness behind his confirmation, and then left it hanging.

Killua almost, _almost_, facepalmed. "Different how, Gon?"

He cocked his head to the side, appearing thoughtful. His gaze wandered around like he was beseeching an invisible entity for an explanation. Sadly, there was only Killua there, scrutinising each switch in direction.

Not long passed and it appeared that the search had no fruit to show for it as Gon finally said: "I can't put it into words, but believe me when I say that you and I are...different."

That lack of clarification made sense and not. For an outsider, it would be empty mutters falling on deaf ears; a chunk of nothing not worth thinking over. But within the parameters of their shared logic, the opposite stood true. It was scary just how much sense it made to him. Gon's words were the last piece of the unfinished puzzle that had been begging Killua to fill it ever since he and Alluka first put down their plans.

Something clicked.

Gon was a mystery he knew inside-out that challenged him to venture below and up too. He was a lot of things.

Gon was a precious friend. Gon was his best friend. Gon was kindness. Gon was pain. Gon was light. Gon was dusk.

There were many shades of him Killua had become intimate with and many more he planned to discover in the future. In here lay the love part of his "love-hate" relationship with Gon's nature. If there was a reliable element, an inevitable for him since his life spiralled and twisted beyond recognition, it was Gon and him side by side and the rest of the world behind their backs.

"I sort of understand what you mean, even if you worded it so poorly" Killua teased fondly. "Not to be too mushy, but I care about my friends. I treasure all of you. What the line between you and everyone else is that you haven't simply become my friend, or just best friend...you've become my home." 

Gon was gawking at him. A wide, caramel stare pinned Killua's tongue and tied it into knots as all thoughts of "mush" melted into blabbering. "Something...stable and welcoming. Knowing tomorrow night I'll go to sleep like this and you won't be nearby...it sucks. The thought sucks-" He inhaled, deeply. "Majorly."

The soft rhythm under his palm quickened to a dashing drum.

_Badump. Badump. Badump. Badump._

Killua gulped, dizziness buzzing in his ears. His right fist clenched on and off in an attempt to shake off the sensation. He didn't need an all seeing ball to realise the beat within his own chest was a crystal-clear reflection of the one at the touch of his fingertips. 

_Badump. Badump. Badump. Badump._

Two peas in a pod.

_Badump Badump Badump Badump_

Step by step together. One after another.

_Badump Badump Badump Badump_

Calmness washed over him and Killua allowed himself to drown in it, at least for a moment, much like he allowed Gon's hand to latch onto his and intertwine their fingers. They squeezed simultaneously.

_Badump_

Gon's thumb stroked over Killua's slowly, in circular motions, dangerously close to getting him to fall asleep if it hadn't been for his mouth running ahead. "I'm glad we talked, even if it won't made me miss you any less."

"That's two of us then." Killua chuckled shakily. "But, look at it this way: a new adventure is up next! You'll take on the evil math homework that awaits you and then who knows? I wouldn't put it past you to hop on the first ship in the port and go all the way to YorkNew to say 'Hi' to Leorio."

Gon pouted. "If I finish that math homework that is."

"You'd better. Although...maybe you should take your time. God knows, I need a break from the Gon-infested space I've been inhabiting for the past two years."

"Liar! Not a minute ago, you admitted you'd miss me-"

"Missing you doesn't make certain aspects of the break less appealing. I can already imagine all the Chocorobs I'll be able to eat without you around to act like a mother hen-

"I'm sorry that I care about your diet and health! One of us has to!"

"Gon, you've seen me resist being electrocuted. Sweets won't do me in for sure!"

"Aunt Mito taught me-"

Their heart rates spiked; pupils dilated; shivers coursed through them as a third voice put an end to the quarrel. "Big Brother! Gon! Can you two please keep quiet? It's the middle of the night and we are waking up early! Hey, better idea: go to sleep!"

A stunned second flew past them. Another one did right after. And a third came next- "Sorry, Alluka." They whispered, voices barely higher than the dead quiet that had settled over.

She threw the two a dirty look mellowed by the sleepiness ever present in the room before her head hit the pillow with a muffled grunt, leaving Gon and Killua to share a glance in relief. 

And then the latter was tossing his legs over the other's, rolling around swiftly to occupy the left side of the bed. Startled by the loss of weigh on top of him, Gon whirled his whole body towards Killua, watching him bury himself in the sheets, face first. One of Killua's eyes twitched from the straight forward blackness to the right, keeping tabs on the way Gon rubbed the back of his neck and shot him disappointed and begging purses of lips.

Killua shifted for them to stay nose-to-nose.

"I'll call you as soon as I prepare to set out for Whale Island." Gon promised, blowing hot, tickling air in his ear. It was something only for the two of them to hear with the night as their sole witness.

Killua snorted, stroking the spot Gon's determination had just brushed against. "Wow for someone who's been whining about not being able to see me or hear my voice for-" He paused. The clock remained sturdy as a rock, although the same thing couldn't be said about its arms. "-a quarter now you sure are putting it on hold. You'd better call as soon as you get off that oversized tree. Clear?"

He pushed a finger into Gon's chest repeatedly, his attempt at emphasis. "I still have to know how the meeting went, so I can return as fast as possible to punch Ging's lights out if necessary."

His resolve was met with a disapproving scowl. "That would be mean, Killua."

"Who said I was nice?" He countered, shrugging with nonchalance.

"Me!"

"What a poor judge of character you are."

"Shhhh!!!"

The boys breathed in, looked at each other, imploring the one next to him not to burst out laughing. As a compromise, they reached the middle ground where both giggled stupidly, hoping Alluka's sleep wouldn't be disturbed by this.

Killua lay his damp forehead on Gon's shoulder and a small illusion of a smile adorned his expression. The night air ruffled his hair and it was like being kind with the stars. He stood faraway, nothing could touch him: no Earth, no Moon, no Sun and certainly no morning. Nothing else existed either. It was him, Gon and the lack of space they shared under the blanket.

Sleep had twisted into a less despised version of itself from the rough draft of sharp and uneven lines it had been before. A tough journey would greet them once the sun rose up from slumber, yet Killua felt a surreal optimism at the notion. They'd get through it, like they had done in the past. The separation might prove to be a blessing in disguise. After all, following their brief periods of solitude, seeing Gon again had had each time gained a sweeter flavour due to it.

He was done speaking, now he was fine with simply listening. His lids dropped and he was facing the threshold to dreamland impatiently driving him inside. Killua took small steps towards what was beyond, certain of the fact that a familiar beat would be there to guide him.

_Badump. Badump. Badump._

And that its mirror twin wasn't far behind.

_Badump. Badump. Badu-_

"Good night, Killua."

"Good night, Gon."

_Badump_

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it's been almost a year since I've wrote for this fandom and pairing and almost a year since I've written a fic in general really. It's a bit strange to do it again, I gotta admit.
> 
> But, anyway, thank you so much for reading! As always KUDOS, COMMENTS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ARE ALL WELCOME! I hope you enjoyed my work!
> 
> If anyone wishes to leave me a fic request for Killugon or any pairing featured on my blog, check the link in the beginning notes and leave one in my inbox. :)
> 
> Again, thank you for reading!


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